TIWA SORIYAN'S BLOG

Does he or she really know what love means?

What is love? There are many definitions and interpretations of love out there but I believe we can all come to an agreement about some constant attributes. Love is doing good to another and deriving pleasurable feelings about it. To go deeper, emotional or erotic love (where most love relationships fall) involves deriving emotional pleasure while investing in the life of another. It’s not just a fantasy or a crush but an actual involvement in the life of another.

People don’t fall in or out of love; they make decisions that influence how they feel about someone. You can love without feelings but when you put an interest into it, your feelings become involved. So love is a choice. It’s never your fault if someone decides not to ‘show you love’. It’s their choice.

This is why love is about action not feelings. If the feelings fade; your decision to keep the other’s best interest at heart will make you keep seeking ways to revive ‘your feelings’ and not the person’s love worthiness. Everyone is worthy of love. If someone begins to act in a way that makes you to develop cold feelings, it doesn’t mean you stop loving them. It only means you start feeling cold. What I’m saying is that because you are not having warm feelings towards someone doesn’t mean you don’t love her.

Many give up too easily on relationships because of how they feel. Feelings follow actions; actions come from decisions. When you decide to continue to love, your feelings will follow suit because whatever you have vested interest in will capture your heart. Remember that love in itself is not the feeling. Love is the decision to keep honouring someone and doing good to them. Emotional love is that which arouses sensual feelings in addition to choosing to honour an individual. It’s not about how you want to use someone else to satisfy your fantasies or lust.

So, if someone says he/she doesn’t love you, it doesn’t mean you are unlovable. It means they have taken a decision not to keep investing in you. So you shouldn’t feel bad. Yes, you may feel sad because of the loss of relationship but that will pass. You should never make someone else’s decision cause you to look down on yourself. You can make efforts to mend fences. If you meet a brick wall, go your way and keep your peace. Because you are lovable and valuable whichever way, the other person just doesn’t have what it takes.

Of course by this I’m not exonerating poor behaviour. If you know you need to work on your attitude, please do so by all means. You will make it easier for people to relate with you. But if it’s about others coming up with personal ‘specifications’, then let go because you are not a ‘one size fits all’. You are special and someone who will appreciate your own qualities will choose to ‘invest’ in you. Just keep the best of yourself and keep living life to the max. The best is yet to come. It’s never over!

Please if you are married and in this situation, the same principles of self worth apply; however don’t let go of your marriage because of your feelings. Feelings always change depending on input. All you need do is work on the ‘factors’ that cause decisions to change. A counselor will help here. Keep praying, be hopeful, and keep your joy. Remember, you don’t reduce in worthiness because of someone’s decision. The best is yet to come.

There’s a more fulfilling life for you out there, reach for it!

TS